I woke up this morning, looked in the mirror and saw a giant “Welcome to Motherhood” sign flashing right before my eyes. I had officially join the Jack’s Temple Club and I wasn’t thrilled about it.
What is the JTC, you might be asking? It’s this super inclusive club for new mothers who suddenly sport a bit more scalp where a lot more hair used to be…most notably along the temples of the hairline. As inclusive as it is – they say nearly 100% of postpartum women qualify to join – I had hoped, prayed and honestly thought I – and my thick long mermaid locks – would be spared.
Wrong.
I did get a little clue that my invitation might be coming when I went to the hair salon for a post-quarantine trim and the hair stylist mentioned how thin my hair was. Since she was speaking in Spanish and my level is still evolving, I obviously brushed it off as a miscommunication. I mean, obviously.
Wrong.
Welcome to motherhood.
One of the many things I have learned lately is that we must truly come to terms with how we choose to define beauty and more importantly, where we extract our confidence from. If my confidence lived in my hairline, it would be screwed right now. Thank god, I have a few other reserves to pull from. I did the work – rather, I do the work (constantly and repeatedly), to cultivate positive narratives that empower me to move through my days with more confidence. And it is work. Because some days, especially when the hairline is looking a little weak, I have to try a little harder to remember what makes me me…and why that’s worth something.
6 practices for building confidence and feeling good:
- Get up, stand up. No, really. Right now. How are you standing? Where are your shoulders? Is your core engaged? What are you doing with your arms? It might not seem relevant but confidence starts in the way we carry ourselves physically in the world. Your body language is a crystal-clear non-verbal communicator of how you perceive yourself and in turn, how others will perceive you. You’ve never seen Obama slouching during a speech, have you? Nope. So stand tall, take up space and be present.
- Build up others. It costs nothing and means everything when someone takes a moment to say or do something nice. When it’s honest (because everyone can tell when you’re full of it), a kind word goes a long way. Be kind, practice compassion and engage with the people around you. When you make someone else feel good, you will feel good, too.
- Know your values. When I was in elementary school I made a list (a long list) of the traits my dream man would possess. I was hardly out of diapers but I had a strong sense of what I valued in a person (particularly in Batman, whom I thought to be the end all be all). Turns out, 30 odd years later, many of those things haven’t changed. Knowing what you value in others is a reflection of what you value in yourself. Identify the characteristics that you appreciate, which you possess and practice behavior that helps you live by those values. You will never be exactly the same as that person you admire, but by tuning into what you truly find important, you’ll find that you will become a person you admire.
- Cultivate resilience. When that negative voice comes knocking and fills your head with nonsense, what are the most common things you hear? What are the things you repeatedly tell yourself? Try to get a clear understanding of what you’re telling yourself so that you can cultivate a healthier, more honest response to that bitchy voice. Remind yourself of something you’ve accomplished, something you’re proud of, something you like about yourself and kick that Negative Nancy to the curb.
- Focus on your strengths. Studies show that working on skills you’re already good at (as opposed to trying to improve your weaknesses) actually improves your skillset overall. As a person who despises spreadsheets and cries in the supermarket trying to figure out the discount I should be getting on the bundles of kale, I am really all about this advice. Now, this isn’t to say to completely abandon areas of your life that could use improvement, but rather, build your confidence through what you’re already good at. Focus on what you love, what you enjoy and what comes naturally to you and the rest will follow with a lot less friction.
- Reframe your perspective. Here’s the thing: you’re going to make mistakes. You’re not always going to be the best. You will do things you regret. These are facts of life and they won’t change, no matter how hard you try to avoid them. So instead of naysaying yourself and talking yourself out of striving for what you want or think you deserve, remember that you only get this one life to do it all. And you can do it all. But you have to try. The next time you start to fill with doubt and ask yourself “why bother?” take a breath and try this instead: “why not?“
Confidence is a daily practice. The ebbs and flows, ups and downs of life provide constant opportunities to feel like we’re just not good enough. But each of these moments are also opportunities to feel empowered, to remember how far we’ve come and to prove to ourselves just how amazing we are for being just where we are. So stand up tall, take up space and shift your perspective. You’re amazing. I know it. And deep down, you do, too.