This is an old photo I would’ve never dared to post. Partly because my ass is hanging out and my mom would likely disapprove, but mostly because I would’ve analyzed every curve, edge and wedgie and decided that it wasn’t good enough.
Standing at the mirror five minutes ago, smushing my postpartum belly together and assessing the fact that the muscle has all but disappeared from my once almost flat abs, I now look at this photo with a completely different set of eyes. It’s funny how simple it all can be, growing. Once you kick out the hate, there is a lot more room to love.
Standing at the mirror five minutes ago, smushing my postpartum belly together, I looked at my own reflection with a different heart. I looked at the body in front of me…and then looked beyond it. Me, the person under the skin, is me. I know her, I know all about her. We’ve been through some shit. And she’s solid. She’s strong. And I like her. I respect her.
Looking in the mirror now, I try to jump as quickly as possible to that last part. I respect her.
In the process of becoming, I have learned that there is no final destination. There is merely evolution, a changing of place, a different manner of being, existing, of taking space. Our minds – and bodies – are a reflection of our movement through time, through life. Doubt and insecurity are things we conjure up along the way. We don’t start off with them (my son’s grinning face never shows shame when I’m wiping literal crap off his thick thighs), but at some point, we welcome them into our hearts and minds with open arms and then struggle to tell them to pack their bags and call Tyrone.
Now, it’s not easy. I know that. Insecurities are clever little things that know how to dig deep and occupy a lot of space. They get into the cracks and corners and make you believe things that are simply just not true. And what’s worse, though you already know this, is that they come from somewhere. Getting past them can be a life’s work but there are a few things that have helped me to skip ahead and move past my own self-doubt.
↠ Remembering that everything gets its 15 minutes of fame. But it doesn’t have to get more than that. Most of the insecurities that take up our time are really banal, petty things that we genuinely won’t care about in the future. Think about some of the things your younger self wasted time worry about. Maybe it was your arm hair? Your nerdy glasses? It is so liberating to recognize when you have moved past a thing. If you’re able to think objectively about where your negative thoughts are going, remind yourself this: you will get past it.
↠ Holding on to my truths. You already are good at a lot of things. You have already accomplished things you are proud of. I’m sure of it. No matter how big or small, identifying and holding onto those truths make building confidence easier. When I’m feeling down about myself, I force myself to say something nice (and true). Some days it takes a little longer for something to come to mind and that’s okay. But you can’t leave until your statement comes to mind. Sort of like the self-care version of sitting at the table until your veggies are all gone.
↠ Cultivate confidence. Get good at something. Or decent. Or just have enough fun that you totally don’t care if you’re good at it or not. And keep doing it. I’ve always been into fitness but I’ve never, ever been able to do a pull-up. During a postpartum-in-front-of-the-mirror-who-am-I pep talk, I decided that it was time to learn to do pull-ups. I got some resistance bands to help hold my weight and even with that, I can only do a couple. But you know what, I feel like a total badass just trying. Eventually, maybe, I’ll be able to do it on my own, but for now, I’m having fun and fun always feels good.
↠ My critic has a name. Yours should, too. Doubtful Diane. She’s a real biatch. She knows just how to knock me down. But now that my self-doubt is personified, I know when she’s coming around and I’m getting really good at knocking her down. Or at least outrunning her.
↠ Giving compliments…and accepting them. Woof, this is a hard one. How many times has someone said something nice to you and you’ve rejected their kindness? Probably a lot. I never really realized how often I did that until someone I loved stopped me and flat out asked me: “Why should I bother telling you how impressive/intelligent/attractive you are to me if you always just shrug me off?” My inside answer was that I didn’t believe those things to be true about myself, however, in time, as I changed my rebuttal with a “thank you” I allowed myself to feel the joy that someone else was trying to give me.
↠ You really, really can’t compare. Everyone says this and they say it because it’s true: you’ve got to stop comparing. I believe that there is a way to objectively measure your own successes against someone else’s in a positive way that helps you grow, however, that’s usually not what’s going on in your mind when you’re feeling self-doubt. Everyone shows up to the table with their own shit. Their own backstory, their own struggles, their own strengths. And even if you have some crossover, it really will never be the same because you inherently are different. Stay in your lane and cheer each other on.
Moving through life, becoming who I am and will be, I know that my doubts will change. The way I think will change. I will take up space in different ways. I will not always care about the things I do right now – I may care more or I might forget about them completely. But what I will do is always try to skip ahead, as fast as possible, to the part where I remember my golden truth: I respect her.