cultivate, inspiration

skipping ahead: moving past insecurity

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This is an old photo I would’ve never dared to post. Partly because my ass is hanging out and my mom would likely disapprove, but mostly because I would’ve analyzed every curve, edge and wedgie and decided that it wasn’t good enough.

Standing at the mirror five minutes ago, smushing my postpartum belly together and assessing the fact that the muscle has all but disappeared from my once almost flat abs, I now look at this photo with a completely different set of eyes. It’s funny how simple it all can be, growing. Once you kick out the hate, there is a lot more room to love.

Standing at the mirror five minutes ago, smushing my postpartum belly together, I looked at my own reflection with a different heart. I looked at the body in front of me…and then looked beyond it. Me, the person under the skin, is me. I know her, I know all about her. We’ve been through some shit. And she’s solid. She’s strong. And I like her. I respect her.

Looking in the mirror now, I try to jump as quickly as possible to that last part. I respect her.

In the process of becoming, I have learned that there is no final destination. There is merely evolution, a changing of place, a different manner of being, existing, of taking space. Our minds – and bodies – are a reflection of our movement through time, through life. Doubt and insecurity are things we conjure up along the way. We don’t start off with them (my son’s grinning face never shows shame when I’m wiping literal crap off his thick thighs), but at some point, we welcome them into our hearts and minds with open arms and then struggle to tell them to pack their bags and call Tyrone.

Now, it’s not easy. I know that. Insecurities are clever little things that know how to dig deep and occupy a lot of space. They get into the cracks and corners and make you believe things that are simply just not true. And what’s worse, though you already know this, is that they come from somewhere. Getting past them can be a life’s work but there are a few things that have helped me to skip ahead and move past my own self-doubt.

↠ Remembering that everything gets its 15 minutes of fame. But it doesn’t have to get more than that. Most of the insecurities that take up our time are really banal, petty things that we genuinely won’t care about in the future. Think about some of the things your younger self wasted time worry about. Maybe it was your arm hair? Your nerdy glasses? It is so liberating to recognize when you have moved past a thing. If you’re able to think objectively about where your negative thoughts are going, remind yourself this: you will get past it.

↠ Holding on to my truths. You already are good at a lot of things. You have already accomplished things you are proud of. I’m sure of it. No matter how big or small, identifying and holding onto those truths make building confidence easier. When I’m feeling down about myself, I force myself to say something nice (and true). Some days it takes a little longer for something to come to mind and that’s okay. But you can’t leave until your statement comes to mind. Sort of like the self-care version of sitting at the table until your veggies are all gone.

↠ Cultivate confidence. Get good at something. Or decent. Or just have enough fun that you totally don’t care if you’re good at it or not. And keep doing it. I’ve always been into fitness but I’ve never, ever been able to do a pull-up. During a postpartum-in-front-of-the-mirror-who-am-I pep talk, I decided that it was time to learn to do pull-ups. I got some resistance bands to help hold my weight and even with that, I can only do a couple. But you know what, I feel like a total badass just trying. Eventually, maybe, I’ll be able to do it on my own, but for now, I’m having fun and fun always feels good.

↠ My critic has a name. Yours should, too. Doubtful Diane. She’s a real biatch. She knows just how to knock me down. But now that my self-doubt is personified, I know when she’s coming around and I’m getting really good at knocking her down. Or at least outrunning her.

↠ Giving compliments…and accepting them. Woof, this is a hard one. How many times has someone said something nice to you and you’ve rejected their kindness? Probably a lot. I never really realized how often I did that until someone I loved stopped me and flat out asked me: “Why should I bother telling you how impressive/intelligent/attractive you are to me if you always just shrug me off?” My inside answer was that I didn’t believe those things to be true about myself, however, in time, as I changed my rebuttal with a “thank you” I allowed myself to feel the joy that someone else was trying to give me.

↠ You really, really can’t compare. Everyone says this and they say it because it’s true: you’ve got to stop comparing. I believe that there is a way to objectively measure your own successes against someone else’s in a positive way that helps you grow, however, that’s usually not what’s going on in your mind when you’re feeling self-doubt. Everyone shows up to the table with their own shit. Their own backstory, their own struggles, their own strengths. And even if you have some crossover, it really will never be the same because you inherently are different. Stay in your lane and cheer each other on.

Moving through life, becoming who I am and will be, I know that my doubts will change. The way I think will change. I will take up space in different ways. I will not always care about the things I do right now – I may care more or I might forget about them completely. But what I will do is always try to skip ahead, as fast as possible, to the part where I remember my golden truth: I respect her.

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cultivate, journal

rethinking minimalism: how the pandemic has taught me to live with less

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I was completely unprepared for 2020. I packed way too light.

I’m sure my story falls in line with about a few million other peoples. We weren’t ready for this year and all the chaos that has come along with it, so I’m not going to play a sad song for my own. But I will say it’s left me naked. Quite literally.

At a whopping 7.5 months pregnant with absolutely nothing that fit me, I left the little island I call home with a wimpy suitcase mostly occupied by a camera, laptop, a few books, a sarong and two bikinis (the only things I’d need in Sri Lanka, where I was headed). After a quick adventurous babymoon to a sleepy Sri Lankan surf town (adventurous mostly because a volcano erupted in the Philippines, redirecting me halfway around the world on six flights with my giant belly and a spicy curry that nearly put me in labor!), we were headed to Spain to await the birth of our first baby. Spain would be in the middle of winter but as I didn’t fit in any of my winter clothes, I figured I’d just live in some old leggings and Eze’s sweatshirts until the baby came. It wasn’t like I’d be going out much anyways (hmmm, hindsight is always 20/20…). After the birth, we would head back to Siargao where my wardrobe would be waiting in my newly built closet. I’d be almost back to my pre-baby size, surfing summer waves and living the island life as three.

Well, well, well.

It’s October. I’m still in Spain. I’m still wearing my fiancé’s clothes.

Life has a funny way of throwing curve balls doesn’t it?

So at this point you might be asking yourself, “well, why didn’t she just buy new clothes?” The answer is simple: I am stubborn. Out of principal, I absolutely hate spending money on things I already have, don’t need, and don’t even want. I’d much rather use my money on doing fun things, making memories and experiencing something new. Even if it leaves me looking like a hot mess. Which I do. At this very moment. A hot, hot mess.

It’s 38 degrees outside and I’ve got the sleeves of Eze’s old football jersey rolled up. Pants, who’s got em? At least I shaved my legs.

I won’t lie and say I feel great about this or even remotely attractive. (Yeah yeah, I know beauty isn’t skin deep but I won’t disregard entirely the impact of a nice-fitting pair of jeans). But I will say that I do feel like I’ve learned a big lesson…brought to me by tough love.

Over these past few months, I have learned that I really don’t need all that much and that I can be pretty creative about how I reuse what I’ve already got. Now, this is a lesson that I have learned over and over again just through traveling – backpacking doesn’t allow for extra fluff – but there was always something in knowing that at home, I’d have choice. This pandemic has be a very clear reminder that our lives are filled with a lot of useless distraction and that these distractions take us away from the work that stands between us and our happier selves. I do love drinking my tea out of a beautiful ceramic mug, but using my old jam jar works just fine, too. I miss a crowded room, buzzing with energy, but the intentionality of a good chat 1:1 hits at something deep. And my bikinis? I miss them a lot. But with only one in the drawer, getting ready for the beach has never been easier.

As life moves towards a new normal, I hope that this will be a lesson I don’t need to be taught again. While I know that I am privileged to even complain, I also know that experience is relative and old habits die hard. So this is where the work lives: invest in a few good things that last, give time to the relationships that fuel you, and don’t share your precious energy with anything that takes away from what makes you feel really good.

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cultivate

shift it sunday: see it from a different angle

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There are moments in life when the vignette fades away and all that was living in the peripheral comes into focus. Masks fall off, veils uncovered. And what remains is a rough, rugged, honest truth. It’s in that process of crystallization that we find our way forward.

I often like to think that I am not alone. That in darkness, there is someone there to shine a light and in the brightness of joy, there is someone basking by my side. But in the big emotions, it’s easy to feel a loneliness. A solitude that is heavy, that isolates. And in this loneliness it is hard to see what exists on the sidelines. Our focus becomes razor sharp but only on what is in front of us….and that thing in front of us is rarely the whole story. Rather, it’s the narrative our brain tells us to follow and, for better or for worse, this usually works. With blinders on to block out the peripheral, life is usually simpler. We can continue on about our days without the distraction of having to process more. Like this, the outcome seems easier to control. More information requires more dissimulation, requires more work. Our busy lives don’t leave much room for more work. At least not of the self improvement variety.

But here’s the thing about the peripheral: that’s where the truth lives.

And, for better or worse, we need to know what’s going on, without the blinders on, in order to live fully. Because, true happiness lives on the other side of clarity. When we understand things as they are and not as we wish them to be, we’re finally free to feel a joy without restrictions. We can be confident that what we think to be true, is actually true. That the feelings we feel and the thoughts we have have roots, they have a belonging and a purpose. You know that little tugging thing you get when something maybe isn’t quite right? Yeah, intuition. It’s trying to help you unveil the peripheral.

So how do we get there? We shift.

 

Shift It Sunday Challenge: see it from a different angle.

This week, dig in to something that’s nagging at you. No need to get all Dexter if you’re not ready (slicing and dicing is a lot of work!) but try to peel back a layer and look at the situation from a different perspective. Is there something you’re not seeing? Another truth hiding there waiting to be understood? It’s a little step with potential for big growth.
Remember, with clarity we get pure, unfiltered, feel good joy.

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cultivate

it’s time to cultivate YOUR feel good life

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I will never forget the exact moment I knew I was going to take a different life path. Walking into the barre studio, ready to teach a group of women pouring in from their long days at the office, I was in a funk. I had spent the afternoon drowning in some self-hate talk, having a “fat” day and a seriously bad hair day that no bun could fix. Just as I entered my class and saw these women there, motivated and ready for a serious booty kicking, my entire mood changed. No matter what day they had had, they showed up for themselves. They were there to do the work. And they were looking at me to show them how…and I couldn’t have felt better about doing exactly that.

I spent some time after that figuring out how I could spread my passion for a feel good life beyond the mirrored walls of my San Francisco studio and it was a few months later I found my answer. Sitting in the surf line up just before sunset on a little island in the Philippines, it hit me. Happiness lives everywhere. It is a portable thing you can pack and take anywhere. But sometimes a change of scenery helps you find out where you left it. And this little island was the perfect place.

So now, here I am. Typing these words from a little beach hut watching the surf, feeling really damn good…and I’d like to invite you join me. I found my feel good life and I’d like to help you find yours.

This October, join me and the lovely Andy from No Shoes No Worries for a week of wellness, self-love, sun and surf in paradise. Grab your bikini, put your game face on and come to Siargao Island and cultivate YOUR feel good life.

For more information and to grab your spot in paradise, click here.

 

 

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sweat

sweat challenge: new year, new booty!

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I am a procrastinator. A royal, class A procrastinator. I justify my tendency for putting things off until later with the fact that I tend to work better under pressure. And though that might in part be true, I also must admit (to myself) that I often struggle to find the motivation to get a head start…unless it comes to exercise. That is one thing I will always prioritize. Without it, I am a grump…and that just doesn’t feel good.

With 2019 right around the corner (what happened to 2018 anyways?!), I thought it a good time to get a head start on my healthy resolutions. In the same way that wearing cute workout pants motivates you to go to the gym, having a nice butt encourages you to keep it that way! I have decided to start my 2019 off on a stronger, rounder, more powerful step and close out 2018 feeling great.

Are you with me?!

Starting TODAY, you (or at least I) will enter the new year with a new booty.

The challenge: Each day of December, I will post a squat variation from the calendar above on Instagram. Starting with 100 reps, we will add one rep each day of the month (ie: December 25th, you will do 125 reps). Break up the reps as you need to – completing them all in one go, taking rests or even doing half in the morning and half at night. Up to you, just get ’em done!

Share your post-squat selfie on Instagram stories and tag me, @cactusandthewave, and I will enter you in a drawing to win some of my favorite feel life goodies including Vital Proteins collagen peptides, Schmidt’s Natural Deodorant and Rx Protein Bars!

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nourish

food fight: three superfood recipes you can wear

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Raise your hand if you’ve ever been in a food fight.

Well, if your mom was anything like mine and considered eating in the bedroom grounds for punishment, chances are your hand is lingering low, too. I watched summer camp movies and It Takes Two more times than I can count, jealously watching pre-teens chucking handfuls of spaghetti at each other. But in our house, cleanliness was king and, according to my mother, throwing food at my annoying little sister was simply not clean.

Fast forward 18 years and I can safely say that there are big downsides to not living with your parents. Paying your own rent, buying your own groceries, knowing that literally no one will clean up after you…ever. However, there are also some perks to adulting, and for me, one of those perks is playing with my food.

We all know the benefits of following a healthy lifestyle, of eating our greens and drinking enough water. But did you know that the same Superfoods that fuel you from the inside also work magic on the outside? Yup. Beauty may come from within but it doesn’t hurt to help out a bit. ; ) Here are a few of my favorite #selfcare recipes that make you look good and feel good!

Coconut Coffee Booty Scrub

Okay, this scrub isn’t actually just for your booty. But(t) in recent months I have had some unwanted visitors (cough cough cellulite cough cough) setting up camp on my lower half and I have now shamelessly joined the millions of women who search for cellulite reduction on Google. My coconut coffee body scrub does just that. Caffeine helps increase blood flow and circulation, reducing the appearance of cellulite as well as energizing the body from the outside in! The gentle exfoliant of the coffee grounds and sugar help to brighten your skins natural glow and smell absolutely delicious.

  • 1 cup used coffee grounds*
  • 1/2 cup coconut sugar
  • 1/4 – 1/3 cup coconut oil – depending on your desired consistency

Mix ingredients in a small jar or glass container and voila! Ready to use or store for up to a week. Gently scrub from head to toe in circular motions towards the heart to greater improve circulation. I would highly suggest not using this in the evening as it can provide quite an energy buzz!
*You can use fresh grounds if you do not drink coffee but if you’re making a cup of joe, might as well put the used grounds to use!

Rose Matcha Detox Mask

The matcha hype is nothing new. It’s centuries old, actually, and for very good reason. Matcha is jam-packed with antioxidants, contains memory-boosting amino acids as well as detoxifying chlorophyll that helps fight wrinkles and repairs and energizes damaged skin cells. Mixed with rose water and bentonite clay – another ancient times heavy hitter – you’re also reducing redness, irritation and detoxifying the body through it’s largest organ: the skin.

  • 3 tbsp betonite clay powder
  • 1/2 tbsp matcha powder
  • 4 tbsp rose water – add more/less to achieve desired consistency
  • Few drops of vitamin E oil

In a non-metal bowl mix the powders with a non-metal spoon (the volcanic clay reacts with metal, pulling metal into your detoxifying mixture and reducing the healing properties of the clay). Add in rose water (drinking water is fine, too) to your desired consistency and top off with a few drops of vitamin E oil. Apply mask in an out and upward motion and let sit until dry. Wash off with warm water, pat dry and hydrate with your favorite moisturizing oil.

Coconut Hair Mask

I used to live on a sailboat and out of all the things that one might find to be difficult, the beauty issue I struggled with the most was managing my dried out, salt-soaked, sun-kissed locks. Yeah, boat hair don’t care sounds cool and all…until it isn’t…and you’re dealing with crispy, funky hair that goes down to your butt. With limited access to resources (aka fancy conditioner or a salon), I added longevity to my mermaid mane with coconut oil.

  • 4 tbsp extra virgin coconut oil (or whatever you can scrape out of a mature coconut you let sit in the sun)
  • Your favorite essential oil (optional)

If using an essential oil, mix your go-to scent (I use lavender or lemongrass!) and the coconut oil in a small container or the palm of your hand. Massage oil mixture into your hair from the base of your neck down. If you’re experiencing dryness, you can add to your scalp as well. Tie hair up in a bun or out of your face and let sit 30 min to overnight. The longer the better, but you know your hair best. When I leave it in overnight, I sleep with a towel on my pillow or a super sexy shower cap on my head to protect my sheets. Wash it out as normal and be sure to really rub in your shampoo to fully remove oil.

Do you have any wearable Superfood recipes to share? I’d love to hear ’em!

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