I read somewhere that the most drunk driving accidents in the US take place on Thanksgiving Day. It’s the first big family holiday of the season so inevitably people feel a cocktail of emotions with ingredients ranging from anxiety, nervousness to pure, simple dread. Seeing mom for the first time after getting a new tattoo, hearing Uncle Bob’s conspiracy theory mumbo jumbo, bringing home a new boyfriend to grandma…that has a matching tattoo. Cocktails abound. And now I don’t mean emotional ones.
Throughout the course of our lives, our relationships with our families change. Sometimes the change is for the better but often times, change can be for the worse. We move away, grow older, grow apart, feel different, aren’t “understood” and build separate lives that do not necessarily reflect the closeness we had when we were younger. My family has always been close. Like, really close. Like, we sit on the bathroom counter while someone is taking a poop so we don’t have to stop the conversation kind of close. #truefact But even we have felt a shift as generations pass and kids get older. Anxiety has settled in the cracks of our communication. Fear of judgement, unspoken resentment, little dramas that never got settled but somehow left a scar…that stuff lives in the cracks. You know, family shit. But I’m on a crusade to clean the crud, get into the nitty gritty and hold on for dear life to the relationships I love the most.
To celebrate my little sister’s 25th birthday, we decided to take our first sister trip. It was the first time in our entire life that we had been together, just us, for two solid weeks and the first time in two decades that we shared a bed…for two solid weeks. I’m not going to lie, going into it I was nervous. Nervous that we’d fight, nervous that she wouldn’t like the places I picked…nervous. Just nervous. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my sister. We’re close. But we’re also sisters. Sisters fight, say things, don’t say things, and well, call and tattle to mom. So I had every reason to be nervous. And so did she.
In the end, our trip to Indonesia was not only incredible because, hey, it’s Indonesia, but because we were given a big opportunity to grow. As individuals, as women and as sisters. I learned a lot about myself, how I engage in my relationships and how to truly practice compassion.
Here are a few lessons I learned from traveling with my sister:
1. You are different. Maybe you’re not as critical as you used to be, maybe you’ve given up meat, changed political affiliations, traded in Britney for Ladysmith Black Mambazo. But if you’ve grown distant or are literally separated by distance, maybe your family doesn’t know how you have changed…or why. Likewise, if you’ve changed, your family members have probably changed, too. Be patient, give them the benefit of the doubt, be open and get to know each other again. As new-ish people. This trip gave us the opportunity to re-meet, to learn from each other and share our differences so that maybe they might become same-nesses in the end.
2. You are exactly the same. It’s no secret that we often try to bury our dirty, ugly, embarrassing skeletons from childhood in our adult life closet. You know, the weird things you’ve done or, more importantly, the areas of your character that aren’t so rosy. Well, your family knows all about them. Maybe your tendency to be selfish, hold a grudge, have daddy issues or cry at the drop of a hat. Someone in your life actually does know who you are. At the core. And they love you anyways. Be grateful for that and behave accordingly.
3. Everyone is an actor. Families have roles. All families do. As members of a family we get assigned a character when we are young and as adults we play into that same role…even if we actually are different when we are away. There’s always “The Smart One,” “The Fuck Up,” “The Artist,” “The One Who Loses Things,” “The Baby.” When we’re with friends, we get to be the person we are trying to be, but with family, somehow we, unintentionally, put our old costume on and play right into that old part…and are treated as so. The show is on! Simply being aware of this FACT (because this is a fact) helps us identify the role we play, how we play into it and boosts forgiveness for why we are still treated like kids. Everyone is just following the old script.
4. Patience is the key. If I were to confess a skeleton from number two, it would likely be that I have not always been patient. I wasn’t demanding, but I wasn’t into waiting. But I have changed. Or so I think. As an adult, and certainly on this trip, I learned that patience is the key and on the other side of the door is a huge reward. Maybe a hundred times a day during our trip I had to remind myself of numbers one, two and three. It’s not like I had a lot to be impatient with, the day to day of our trip (and relationship) was really easy. But patience in the form of wanting to just get to the finish line. To just seal the gaps. Make us close again. Fix everything. But that’s not how it works. Evolution takes time and for my little sister, she is more than worth the wait.
5. Nourish people in the state they are in. On the topic of fixing, that’s what families do. Sisters and mothers especially. We like to fix. We like to fix because we love. But it can be fucking annoying for the person who we’re trying to fix and, newsflash, it’s not always up to us how they fix their ‘ish. It is our job, however, to try to find genuine compassion, to put ourselves in their shoes and ask them what they need from us to help get to the next step…and then actually listen to what they say. Without judgement or attempt to impose your way.
6. Most things we do are because of love. Because we want love, because we need love, because we want to show love, because we don’t feel loved. Either way, love is involved and that is pretty awesome. There’s always some to give and some to get. So when it comes to love, ditch your crappy date and go call your sister. There’s someone who already loves you, even if you snore and won’t share your pizza.
Have you ever taken a sibling trip? How did it go?
